first. The first day of the year. The first journal entry. It's all so fresh and full of promise. But also full of unknowns. What will 2015 hold? Didn't we hold our breath as 2013 ended and 2014 began- hoping it would be full of everything the previous year was not? And now 2014 is over and we find ourself hoping and praying that the difficulties of the past year, for some of us- the past decade, are truly behind and that maybe THIS year will be better. Do this too many times and futility starts to set in. Atleast it does for me.
As I type- my son is mad because the ESPN app is set to spider cam (??) so he can't watch replays of the Alabama game. My husband is trying to convince my youngest daughter to play Wii in a vain attempt to keep her from growing older or atleast keep himself from realizing his littlest girl is growing up. The dogs are pretending they want to go out- but I no longer believe them because I have let them in and out about 50 times in the last 2 hours. This new year is not feeling much different than the last year. The dailyness of life. What happened to the glittery promises of midnight as we rang in the new year? I am entering in to 2015 carrying the regret of a few hundred too many sugar cookies and the mind -set of all I will do differently the next 12 months. But will I really? If I could muster up the self-discipline and willpower I am hoping for this year- why did I not do it last year? Or the year before?
As I think about all these things and try to put pen to paper with a plan to be a better me- the infinite grace of God finds me in this place of futility and performance- and He speaks.
"Look at the birds, free and unfettered, careless in the care of God...And you count far more to Him than birds" Matt 6:28 The Message
I could weep. I could literally lie down in the floor and weep. He doesn't ask for my plan for this year. He doesn't ask for my assessment of myself from last year. He calls to my heart to rest in His arms. He whispers hope to the dark places of my life. He dares me to believe Him. Will I dare to live careless in the care of my God? Can I trust Him to create and lead and heal? Or will I try to control and perform and fill with busyness another year?
This year my prayer is to live free and unfettered, careless in the care of God. And that is all. And I ask Him to help me every time I try to pick up worry or performance- to sweetly speak and remind me how much better it can be if I will only believe.